My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
You Might Also Like
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
My work here is don’t.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that