I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
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I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
☺️
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.