Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
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Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet