glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
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Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident