He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
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oh shit
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo