Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
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me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
My time has come.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then