I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
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Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
just witnessed a drug deal
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.