me
You Might Also Like
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping