7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
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I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.