I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
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You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.