CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
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normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
? 💀
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.