i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
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god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed