been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
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Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.