Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
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I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”