You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
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Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.