One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
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Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….