I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
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Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
I don’t know what to do
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.