I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
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[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
they should invent a hydrating liquor
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go