My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
You Might Also Like
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?