88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
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Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
respect
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou