[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
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Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Never ghost your hitman.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
a fate I wish upon no one
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Good news
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.