I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
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I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know