I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
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Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Think I pulled my liver
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche