Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
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If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
#Caturday
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
“OMGJK” -atheists
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.