No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
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Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug