guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
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normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.