8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
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A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions