Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
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FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Breaking news:
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners