When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
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If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
My life coach traded me.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”