My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
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Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
This is always good for a laugh.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.