India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
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I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Dune (2021)
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-