When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
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what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
I needed a laugh this morning.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Netflix and you sit over there.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.