Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
You Might Also Like
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME