Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
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My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
good work, detective
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White