Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
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CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
men, we mow at sunrise.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.