(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
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Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Always leave them wanting their money back.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Life cycle of cat
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.