Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
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Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
If looks could kill
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!