i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
You Might Also Like
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?