There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
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just gave my 5yo power of attorney
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.