As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
You Might Also Like
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
they really do be looking like this
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?