Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
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It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
TWEET CALL
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“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.