Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
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Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice