[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
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“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
#JohnTravolta
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?