SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
You Might Also Like
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*