#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
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Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
I bet birds love this building.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.