Jupiter
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To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
See..?
.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Twitter is an abusement park.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
so this horse walks into a bar
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.