ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
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If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!