Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
You Might Also Like
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Only short people can save us
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots