Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
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“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
this could fix me
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?