If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
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[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
How did we not see this back then?
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
How dramatic are you?
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES